Dear Mistress Doom Cannon,
I am an incredibly shy young man, with my heart set on a girl I've been friends with for years now. What is a sure fire way to win her over, as being let down is not an option here.
-Lovesick on Long Island
Dear Lovesick,
First note, we girls have a great capacity evil. With this in mind, know that all wicked people are easily bribed. In short: buy her something. Not the typical lovey-dovey card store crap either. Buy her a tractor beam. I'm serious. All women love the feeling of challenging gravity with a giant laser. I know from experience darling. Buy her a tractor beam, or diamonds... so she can hock them for a tractor beam.
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