It's Not Easy Going Green

Dear Mistress Doomcannon,

I'm sure that evil plans have a significant energy budget for doomsday machines, orbital headquarters, and so on. Thinking green is all the rage these days, so could you describe how you factor renewable energy and other socially responsible programs into your plans?

-Concerned about Eco-Terrorism

Dear Concerned,


You know, I never really concerned myself with this nonsense in the past. If the earth is a gift to everyone else's grandchildren, what do I care if the wrapping paper is mangled and the bow fell off. Not my gift. I'm going to ride that pony 'til it drops. It also doesn't help that ecologically minded super heroes are THE WORST. Even if I gave a hoot and a half about mother nature, hearing the self-righteous, pretentious garbage that they pollute my ears with makes me want to deforest a small to medium sized equatorial region. There's this one guy, the blue one with the green flat-top-mullet-thing, that has a group of young, naïve kids from around the world fight 9/10ths of his battles for him, and then at the last minute, he swoops in to finish the job and take credit. It's kind of genius, actually. Anyway, back in 2010, as he forcefully stopped me from dumping all of our nuclear waste in the Mediterranean, I let him know what a bloody hypocrite he was, since all of his flashy spandex was created by the DuPont Corporation, who was #4 of 20 in the top waterway polluters in America! He was in kind of a downward spiral since the cancelled his TV show, and I think that may have been the proverbial straw (either the last one, or the one that broke the camel's back... does it matter?). Haven't seen him since.


Sorry. I got a bit sidetracked. Long story short, environment, don't care. Saving money however, well, everyone likes that. We have made our facilities a bit more green, being as we do have all of that geothermal energy, living in a subvolcanic lair and all. You can rest easy knowing this, and maybe not throw paint on me next time I decide I want to stroll around in an endangered jungle cat's luxurious fur.

I've Earned it, right?
Miss Doomcannon

Tragically Boring

Dear Mistress Doomcannon, 

May I ask, what made you become an evil villainess? Was there any good in you before you went to the dark side? 

Sincerely, 

A Hero (Name withheld for pretty obvious reasons)

Ugh... you hero types and your fascination with origin stories. Sorry to disappoint you, but no radioactive spiders, alien homeworlds or magic rings in this story. For me, it was all just a matter of taking over the family business. We've been in the malice and mayhem game for generations, and with my brothers going into finance and politics, I inherited the duty of maintaining our family lair and leading our horde of  fiercely loyal (yet tragically stupid) henchmen. I could give you a tour... the henchmen are itching for work company.


Your Banal Nemesis,
Miss Doomcannon

You are Saucy, Dear Reader!

Dear Dark Mistress,
   I was wondering what the sex life of a super villainess is like. Was 50 Shades nearly child's play to you? How do you get down? How do you noise proof the room from cries of agony?
Sincerely,
Curious

Hey Curious

I like the cut of your jib. Right to the point! For those of us who live and work in the dungeon, the old whips and chains business gets pretty tired. Leather... pffff. Masks... please. When our kind needs a little excitement, we break out the neon spandex suits and capes, crank up the heroic one-liners (for justice, citizen!), and have some polite missionary to the sultry sax of Mr. Kenny G. The safe-word is "SWEET LORD OF DARKNESS, MAKE IT STOP!". It's not for everyone.

Love (if you're into that sort of thing),

Miss Doomcannon -XOXO 

Back in Black!

Good Evening Darlings,

It's been quite a while now, hasn't it? I apologize, truly. It was one of those situations that simply couldn't be helped. In the throes of glorious victory I did what any good villain would do, which is spell out the entire plan in excruciating detail to the tune of a whirring circular saw or two. I was in the heat of the moment. You never really expect them to escape, do you? Well, at times, they do. If my ego weren't in the way, it most likely would have been avoided too. One of life's little lessons, hmm.

After five years of deep, and perhaps involuntary, cryogenic relaxation, I am back to help you spineless kittens with your pitiful little problems. I apologize for losing so many of your prior queries, but as I mentioned, it simply couldn't be helped.