It's that Season Again... (No. Not National Poisonous Reptiles Month.)

Dear Mistress Doomcannon,

Who are you voting for in the upcoming 2016 U. S. Presidential election? Also will you ever run for any high office or evil empire in the future?

-The Vicious Voice

Hello Vicious!

Why choose the lesser of two evils? That's how I see it. Many would guess that my eyes would be set on Mr. Trump, but there's a difference between evil and ignorant. Henchman material, for sure, but I would be leery of following that man's lead. As a leading lady of villainy, I would like to see a woman in the White House, but the thing is, I can't see Hillary as the Matron of Malcontent I'd want running the show. She sounds entirely too reasonable. I think I'm just going to have to do what I do every election season... fill in 'Hugo Drax from Moonraker' as a write-in candidate.  As for my plans for world domination... a lady never tells.

-Mistress D

P.S.: I should also note that I'm not currently a U.S. citizen (another reason Trump doesn't do it for me). I do try every four years though, hoping some dunce will mistake 'Sub-Volcanic Lair' for Hawaii.

Ashamed and Alarmed

Dear Mistress Doomcannon

I’m a masked bad guy single parent, and even though my Ex and I both fight for evil (when were not fighting each other) our Daughter, it seems wants to play for the other side. My Daughter is only a kid but what I’m seeing is alarming. Things like her giving change to homeless bums, holding the door for the elderly, and I’m almost ashamed to write this but she even asked to dress like Wonder Woman for Halloween last year! I blame it all on her Mom which brings me to my question. I’m thinking of using my patented Micro Megafungulizer on my Ex for allowing this to happen, but that won’t guarantee my Daughter changing her mind. Should I Micro Megafungulize them both?

-Regards,

Ashamed and Alarmed

Dear Fellow Agent of Evil,

First, a mask? Are you tying damsels to train tracks and menacingly stroking your handlebar moustache? Anyway, all creative differences aside, that's quite the predicament. Kids are curious, and sometimes need to find their inner antagonist on their own. Sometimes you can lead a horse to evil,  but you can't make it rampage. The solution you propose regarding your ex-lady is a bit of a double edged Micro Megafungulizer. It may incite more heroics from your mixed up daughter -or- it might be the perfect opportunity to teach her about arching. There's nothing more exhilarating than an arch nemesis. That experience alone may be enough to bring her to the dark side (See 'Little Monsters' letter from... well... a while ago).To be honest, I think it's better than any incarnation of love. This could truly bring you together as a family,  without any of that matrimonial nonsense... or she'll bust out the cape and tights and try to thwart your ass. I don't know. Helping people is not really my strong suit. It just kind of, works out sometimes... or doesn't. Keep me posted. 

-Mistress D

It's Not Easy Going Green

Dear Mistress Doomcannon,

I'm sure that evil plans have a significant energy budget for doomsday machines, orbital headquarters, and so on. Thinking green is all the rage these days, so could you describe how you factor renewable energy and other socially responsible programs into your plans?

-Concerned about Eco-Terrorism

Dear Concerned,


You know, I never really concerned myself with this nonsense in the past. If the earth is a gift to everyone else's grandchildren, what do I care if the wrapping paper is mangled and the bow fell off. Not my gift. I'm going to ride that pony 'til it drops. It also doesn't help that ecologically minded super heroes are THE WORST. Even if I gave a hoot and a half about mother nature, hearing the self-righteous, pretentious garbage that they pollute my ears with makes me want to deforest a small to medium sized equatorial region. There's this one guy, the blue one with the green flat-top-mullet-thing, that has a group of young, naïve kids from around the world fight 9/10ths of his battles for him, and then at the last minute, he swoops in to finish the job and take credit. It's kind of genius, actually. Anyway, back in 2010, as he forcefully stopped me from dumping all of our nuclear waste in the Mediterranean, I let him know what a bloody hypocrite he was, since all of his flashy spandex was created by the DuPont Corporation, who was #4 of 20 in the top waterway polluters in America! He was in kind of a downward spiral since the cancelled his TV show, and I think that may have been the proverbial straw (either the last one, or the one that broke the camel's back... does it matter?). Haven't seen him since.


Sorry. I got a bit sidetracked. Long story short, environment, don't care. Saving money however, well, everyone likes that. We have made our facilities a bit more green, being as we do have all of that geothermal energy, living in a subvolcanic lair and all. You can rest easy knowing this, and maybe not throw paint on me next time I decide I want to stroll around in an endangered jungle cat's luxurious fur.

I've Earned it, right?
Miss Doomcannon

Tragically Boring

Dear Mistress Doomcannon, 

May I ask, what made you become an evil villainess? Was there any good in you before you went to the dark side? 

Sincerely, 

A Hero (Name withheld for pretty obvious reasons)

Ugh... you hero types and your fascination with origin stories. Sorry to disappoint you, but no radioactive spiders, alien homeworlds or magic rings in this story. For me, it was all just a matter of taking over the family business. We've been in the malice and mayhem game for generations, and with my brothers going into finance and politics, I inherited the duty of maintaining our family lair and leading our horde of  fiercely loyal (yet tragically stupid) henchmen. I could give you a tour... the henchmen are itching for work company.


Your Banal Nemesis,
Miss Doomcannon

You are Saucy, Dear Reader!

Dear Dark Mistress,
   I was wondering what the sex life of a super villainess is like. Was 50 Shades nearly child's play to you? How do you get down? How do you noise proof the room from cries of agony?
Sincerely,
Curious

Hey Curious

I like the cut of your jib. Right to the point! For those of us who live and work in the dungeon, the old whips and chains business gets pretty tired. Leather... pffff. Masks... please. When our kind needs a little excitement, we break out the neon spandex suits and capes, crank up the heroic one-liners (for justice, citizen!), and have some polite missionary to the sultry sax of Mr. Kenny G. The safe-word is "SWEET LORD OF DARKNESS, MAKE IT STOP!". It's not for everyone.

Love (if you're into that sort of thing),

Miss Doomcannon -XOXO 

Back in Black!

Good Evening Darlings,

It's been quite a while now, hasn't it? I apologize, truly. It was one of those situations that simply couldn't be helped. In the throes of glorious victory I did what any good villain would do, which is spell out the entire plan in excruciating detail to the tune of a whirring circular saw or two. I was in the heat of the moment. You never really expect them to escape, do you? Well, at times, they do. If my ego weren't in the way, it most likely would have been avoided too. One of life's little lessons, hmm.

After five years of deep, and perhaps involuntary, cryogenic relaxation, I am back to help you spineless kittens with your pitiful little problems. I apologize for losing so many of your prior queries, but as I mentioned, it simply couldn't be helped.

Organ Failure

Dear Mistress Doomcannon,

     Do you own a large pipe organ for purposes of dramatic welcomes when would-be heroes invade your inner sanctum?  If so, are there any pieces of organ music you prefer?

     Curiously yours, 

        Concerned Music Major
 

My Dear Music Major,

I really hope that this is a joke. Will your next email ask me what brand of rope I use to tie innocent young damsels to the train tracks? Pipe organs are so passé. I've installed a PA system, which I use to broadcast smooth jazz all across my compound. I know what you're thinking you smug 'Music Major': "Smooth jazz? How is that intimidating?" Well, let me ask you this, have you ever been to a dentist? Drills, needles and extraction tools entering your mouth all to the sensual sounds of Mr. Kenny G's tender saxophone melodies? The juxtaposition is quite unnerving. The henchman also find it on the relaxing side. Could you imagine how stressed out those numskulls would be if all they heard was somebody mashing around on the bloody organ all day? Which brings me to my last point, which is not wanting to waste my hard earned (it doesn't matter the means, it was 'earned' in one way or another) money housing, feeding and paying an organist. Musicians tend to be really irritating.

Good luck with whatever you "Music Majors" do,

   
G. Doomcannon

I Knew that One of You Would Find Me Sooner or Later...

Dear Mistress Doomcannon:  

Have you ever considered any super-villain team ups?

Seriously,
Comic Book Guy

Guy,

If I had a nickel for each time one of your kind has asked me some incarnation of this question, I would stuff those nickles in a sock, and inflict pain upon you. If it hasn't become obvious yet, I work alone (with the exception of my lovely grunts and henchmen... which are more like... tools). I bet you'd love to see me team up with some of your two dimensional fanboy dieties, hmm? If ever I were to consider a "team up", I think the first item to tick off on my checklist would probably be something along the lines of "exists in this plane of reality". I have a few considerations, but I don't think I like you enough to indulge.

Ciao

Little Monsters

Dear Mistress Doomcannon:
I am a successful single villainness with a school-age child. Now, since the modern school system just doesn't seem to expose my little monster to enough evil influence (although I considered public school for a time), I've been thinking of home-schooling him in the Lore of Darkness. Any ideas as to what subjects I should focus on?
Yours evilly,
Much-Maligned Mother

Maligned Mother,

In this warm fuzzy age of unsavory "educational programs", it's hard to protect your children from what they are exposed to. The public education system could be softening their wicked hearts as we speak! With this in mind, I applaud your decision to homeschool. It will also provide the backbone for the social withdrawl needed to become a successful purveyor of malice. In terms of subject matter, there is no better place to start than the basics, like theft, murder, bribery, lying, manipulation... and don't forget to pass on the golden rule of "If they say not to do it, it's your job to make sure it gets done!". When it comes to teaching though, there's no better way to teach than by example. It's a proven fact. It could be a bonding experience too, like those "Take your son/daughter to work" days. There's no better way to spend a sunday afternoon then sitting side by side in the park with your little monsters, and watching a spandex-clad sucker get what's coming to them. 

Window of Opportunity...

Dear ms. Doomcannon,

I have a problem, your window is too thick... and deflects the laser from my scope, I was wondering if you could possibly buy a wireless card and respond from an outdoor location, or remove the glass from your window, at 2:30 PM exactly on July 2nd 2005. I will not shoot you from an undisclosed position, I am not lying. I am also not in any way affiliated with the united federation of anarchists or any of it's subsidieries. This is merely a suggestion to benefit yourself. Thank you in advance.

- your dearest friend who wishes to remain undiscosed at this time, for private reasons completely unattributed to any violent act against your person.

Dear Friend,

Sadly, I will be away that weekend at a "Get to Know Your Henchman" weekend seminar in the Catskills. I will, however, tell my sister Denise, who is house-sitting that saturday, your explicit instructions. She's good like that.

-Your dearest friend who only wishes your success,
Gateau S. Doomcannon

Sinister Sister

Dear Mistress Doomcannon:
Help! My little sister's fallen in love with *gag* my archenemy, who is, of course, a hero!! I can't believe she'd betray her evil roots in such a fashion! What do I do to break up this unholy union?
Sincerely,
Enraged Evil Sister

Dear Sister,

My first insitinct was... kill her! I realized, however, there is a possibility we could be retiring one of the most brilliantly twisted minds in the history of no good... or not. Risky buisiness there. There's the next easy solution... kill him! Too easy though. Villainy is an art. Without the creativity, you're just another criminal. The best way to go about this is to use the power of love to turn him to the ways of evil. If your sister is the true queen of sinister that I hope she is, she'll happily cooperate. If not, she never had the potential anyway. Kill her.

The Ballad of Alfred P. Doomcannon

Dear Mistress Doomcannon,
Is there a Mister Doomcannon?
I humbly offer my services as unquestioning and loyal servant in holy
matrimony.
I'd be a great henchman/partner in crime.
With our combined evil power we can take over most of Canada! BWAHHA!


Lonely in Underground lair.

Dear Lonely,

Let me say, as of now, there IS no Mister Doomcannon, but there WAS one. An investment banker named Alfred P. Doomcannon. Anyway, to make a long story short, I wanted nothing more than his wickedly fantastic family name, so I married him, introduced him to my pets (love me, love my genetically enhanced sharks with aggression issues. Am I right, ladies?), and carried on my way.

Canada though... intruiging. I'll have to give this some pondering, as anything "holy" might break my evil stature. There's that, and of course the off chance you might wait until I have all the pathetic citizens under my rule, and OFF ME! I may be evil, but i'm certaintly not naive!

Presently Presentless

Dear Mistress Doomcannon,

My older sister is getting married in July, and I have no clue what kind of present to get her and her fiancee. Any ideas?

Presently Presentless


Presentless,

If there's one thing you know about married couples, it's that they fight. They fight frequently, and they fight fiercely. I think a little malice towards the ones you claim to love is a healthy thing. I fully support such behaviour. In terms of a gift, show you care by encouraging creative ways for the happy couple to express their aggression towards each other. Perhaps a few throwing knives? Dueling sabers are maybe a little more their style? Perhaps they are more into explosives or firearms? There is a world of possibility out there. I'm sure you'll find something that is painful, intimidating, and in your price range. I hear that 'Crazy Al's House of Explodey Things' has a registry!

*Mistress Doomcannon

Defying Gravity

Dear Mistress Doom Cannon,

I am an incredibly shy young man, with my heart set on a girl I've been friends with for years now. What is a sure fire way to win her over, as being let down is not an option here.

-Lovesick on Long Island

Dear Lovesick,

First note, we girls have a great capacity evil. With this in mind, know that all wicked people are easily bribed. In short: buy her something. Not the typical lovey-dovey card store crap either. Buy her a tractor beam. I'm serious. All women love the feeling of challenging gravity with a giant laser. I know from experience darling. Buy her a tractor beam, or diamonds... so she can hock them for a tractor beam.