Dear Mistress Doomcannon:
I am a successful single villainness with a school-age child. Now, since the modern school system just doesn't seem to expose my little monster to enough evil influence (although I considered public school for a time), I've been thinking of home-schooling him in the Lore of Darkness. Any ideas as to what subjects I should focus on?
Yours evilly,
Much-Maligned Mother
Maligned Mother,
In this warm fuzzy age of unsavory "educational programs", it's hard to protect your children from what they are exposed to. The public education system could be softening their wicked hearts as we speak! With this in mind, I applaud your decision to homeschool. It will also provide the backbone for the social withdrawl needed to become a successful purveyor of malice. In terms of subject matter, there is no better place to start than the basics, like theft, murder, bribery, lying, manipulation... and don't forget to pass on the golden rule of "If they say not to do it, it's your job to make sure it gets done!". When it comes to teaching though, there's no better way to teach than by example. It's a proven fact. It could be a bonding experience too, like those "Take your son/daughter to work" days. There's no better way to spend a sunday afternoon then sitting side by side in the park with your little monsters, and watching a spandex-clad sucker get what's coming to them.
Window of Opportunity...
Dear ms. Doomcannon,
I have a problem, your window is too thick... and deflects the laser from my scope, I was wondering if you could possibly buy a wireless card and respond from an outdoor location, or remove the glass from your window, at 2:30 PM exactly on July 2nd 2005. I will not shoot you from an undisclosed position, I am not lying. I am also not in any way affiliated with the united federation of anarchists or any of it's subsidieries. This is merely a suggestion to benefit yourself. Thank you in advance.
- your dearest friend who wishes to remain undiscosed at this time, for private reasons completely unattributed to any violent act against your person.
Dear Friend,
Sadly, I will be away that weekend at a "Get to Know Your Henchman" weekend seminar in the Catskills. I will, however, tell my sister Denise, who is house-sitting that saturday, your explicit instructions. She's good like that.
-Your dearest friend who only wishes your success,
Gateau S. Doomcannon
Dear Friend,
Sadly, I will be away that weekend at a "Get to Know Your Henchman" weekend seminar in the Catskills. I will, however, tell my sister Denise, who is house-sitting that saturday, your explicit instructions. She's good like that.
-Your dearest friend who only wishes your success,
Gateau S. Doomcannon
Sinister Sister
Dear Mistress Doomcannon:
Help! My little sister's fallen in love with *gag* my archenemy, who is, of course, a hero!! I can't believe she'd betray her evil roots in such a fashion! What do I do to break up this unholy union?
Sincerely,
Enraged Evil Sister
Dear Sister,
My first insitinct was... kill her! I realized, however, there is a possibility we could be retiring one of the most brilliantly twisted minds in the history of no good... or not. Risky buisiness there. There's the next easy solution... kill him! Too easy though. Villainy is an art. Without the creativity, you're just another criminal. The best way to go about this is to use the power of love to turn him to the ways of evil. If your sister is the true queen of sinister that I hope she is, she'll happily cooperate. If not, she never had the potential anyway. Kill her.
Help! My little sister's fallen in love with *gag* my archenemy, who is, of course, a hero!! I can't believe she'd betray her evil roots in such a fashion! What do I do to break up this unholy union?
Sincerely,
Enraged Evil Sister
Dear Sister,
My first insitinct was... kill her! I realized, however, there is a possibility we could be retiring one of the most brilliantly twisted minds in the history of no good... or not. Risky buisiness there. There's the next easy solution... kill him! Too easy though. Villainy is an art. Without the creativity, you're just another criminal. The best way to go about this is to use the power of love to turn him to the ways of evil. If your sister is the true queen of sinister that I hope she is, she'll happily cooperate. If not, she never had the potential anyway. Kill her.
The Ballad of Alfred P. Doomcannon
Dear Mistress Doomcannon,
Is there a Mister Doomcannon?
I humbly offer my services as unquestioning and loyal servant in holy
matrimony.
I'd be a great henchman/partner in crime.
With our combined evil power we can take over most of Canada! BWAHHA!
Lonely in Underground lair.
Dear Lonely,
Let me say, as of now, there IS no Mister Doomcannon, but there WAS one. An investment banker named Alfred P. Doomcannon. Anyway, to make a long story short, I wanted nothing more than his wickedly fantastic family name, so I married him, introduced him to my pets (love me, love my genetically enhanced sharks with aggression issues. Am I right, ladies?), and carried on my way.
Canada though... intruiging. I'll have to give this some pondering, as anything "holy" might break my evil stature. There's that, and of course the off chance you might wait until I have all the pathetic citizens under my rule, and OFF ME! I may be evil, but i'm certaintly not naive!
Is there a Mister Doomcannon?
I humbly offer my services as unquestioning and loyal servant in holy
matrimony.
I'd be a great henchman/partner in crime.
With our combined evil power we can take over most of Canada! BWAHHA!
Lonely in Underground lair.
Dear Lonely,
Let me say, as of now, there IS no Mister Doomcannon, but there WAS one. An investment banker named Alfred P. Doomcannon. Anyway, to make a long story short, I wanted nothing more than his wickedly fantastic family name, so I married him, introduced him to my pets (love me, love my genetically enhanced sharks with aggression issues. Am I right, ladies?), and carried on my way.
Canada though... intruiging. I'll have to give this some pondering, as anything "holy" might break my evil stature. There's that, and of course the off chance you might wait until I have all the pathetic citizens under my rule, and OFF ME! I may be evil, but i'm certaintly not naive!
Presently Presentless
Dear Mistress Doomcannon,
My older sister is getting married in July, and I have no clue what kind of present to get her and her fiancee. Any ideas?
Presently Presentless
Presentless,
If there's one thing you know about married couples, it's that they fight. They fight frequently, and they fight fiercely. I think a little malice towards the ones you claim to love is a healthy thing. I fully support such behaviour. In terms of a gift, show you care by encouraging creative ways for the happy couple to express their aggression towards each other. Perhaps a few throwing knives? Dueling sabers are maybe a little more their style? Perhaps they are more into explosives or firearms? There is a world of possibility out there. I'm sure you'll find something that is painful, intimidating, and in your price range. I hear that 'Crazy Al's House of Explodey Things' has a registry!
*Mistress Doomcannon
My older sister is getting married in July, and I have no clue what kind of present to get her and her fiancee. Any ideas?
Presently Presentless
Presentless,
If there's one thing you know about married couples, it's that they fight. They fight frequently, and they fight fiercely. I think a little malice towards the ones you claim to love is a healthy thing. I fully support such behaviour. In terms of a gift, show you care by encouraging creative ways for the happy couple to express their aggression towards each other. Perhaps a few throwing knives? Dueling sabers are maybe a little more their style? Perhaps they are more into explosives or firearms? There is a world of possibility out there. I'm sure you'll find something that is painful, intimidating, and in your price range. I hear that 'Crazy Al's House of Explodey Things' has a registry!
*Mistress Doomcannon
Defying Gravity
Dear Mistress Doom Cannon,
I am an incredibly shy young man, with my heart set on a girl I've been friends with for years now. What is a sure fire way to win her over, as being let down is not an option here.
-Lovesick on Long Island
Dear Lovesick,
First note, we girls have a great capacity evil. With this in mind, know that all wicked people are easily bribed. In short: buy her something. Not the typical lovey-dovey card store crap either. Buy her a tractor beam. I'm serious. All women love the feeling of challenging gravity with a giant laser. I know from experience darling. Buy her a tractor beam, or diamonds... so she can hock them for a tractor beam.
I am an incredibly shy young man, with my heart set on a girl I've been friends with for years now. What is a sure fire way to win her over, as being let down is not an option here.
-Lovesick on Long Island
Dear Lovesick,
First note, we girls have a great capacity evil. With this in mind, know that all wicked people are easily bribed. In short: buy her something. Not the typical lovey-dovey card store crap either. Buy her a tractor beam. I'm serious. All women love the feeling of challenging gravity with a giant laser. I know from experience darling. Buy her a tractor beam, or diamonds... so she can hock them for a tractor beam.
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