It's that Season Again... (No. Not National Poisonous Reptiles Month.)

Dear Mistress Doomcannon,

Who are you voting for in the upcoming 2016 U. S. Presidential election? Also will you ever run for any high office or evil empire in the future?

-The Vicious Voice

Hello Vicious!

Why choose the lesser of two evils? That's how I see it. Many would guess that my eyes would be set on Mr. Trump, but there's a difference between evil and ignorant. Henchman material, for sure, but I would be leery of following that man's lead. As a leading lady of villainy, I would like to see a woman in the White House, but the thing is, I can't see Hillary as the Matron of Malcontent I'd want running the show. She sounds entirely too reasonable. I think I'm just going to have to do what I do every election season... fill in 'Hugo Drax from Moonraker' as a write-in candidate.  As for my plans for world domination... a lady never tells.

-Mistress D

P.S.: I should also note that I'm not currently a U.S. citizen (another reason Trump doesn't do it for me). I do try every four years though, hoping some dunce will mistake 'Sub-Volcanic Lair' for Hawaii.

Ashamed and Alarmed

Dear Mistress Doomcannon

I’m a masked bad guy single parent, and even though my Ex and I both fight for evil (when were not fighting each other) our Daughter, it seems wants to play for the other side. My Daughter is only a kid but what I’m seeing is alarming. Things like her giving change to homeless bums, holding the door for the elderly, and I’m almost ashamed to write this but she even asked to dress like Wonder Woman for Halloween last year! I blame it all on her Mom which brings me to my question. I’m thinking of using my patented Micro Megafungulizer on my Ex for allowing this to happen, but that won’t guarantee my Daughter changing her mind. Should I Micro Megafungulize them both?

-Regards,

Ashamed and Alarmed

Dear Fellow Agent of Evil,

First, a mask? Are you tying damsels to train tracks and menacingly stroking your handlebar moustache? Anyway, all creative differences aside, that's quite the predicament. Kids are curious, and sometimes need to find their inner antagonist on their own. Sometimes you can lead a horse to evil,  but you can't make it rampage. The solution you propose regarding your ex-lady is a bit of a double edged Micro Megafungulizer. It may incite more heroics from your mixed up daughter -or- it might be the perfect opportunity to teach her about arching. There's nothing more exhilarating than an arch nemesis. That experience alone may be enough to bring her to the dark side (See 'Little Monsters' letter from... well... a while ago).To be honest, I think it's better than any incarnation of love. This could truly bring you together as a family,  without any of that matrimonial nonsense... or she'll bust out the cape and tights and try to thwart your ass. I don't know. Helping people is not really my strong suit. It just kind of, works out sometimes... or doesn't. Keep me posted. 

-Mistress D

It's Not Easy Going Green

Dear Mistress Doomcannon,

I'm sure that evil plans have a significant energy budget for doomsday machines, orbital headquarters, and so on. Thinking green is all the rage these days, so could you describe how you factor renewable energy and other socially responsible programs into your plans?

-Concerned about Eco-Terrorism

Dear Concerned,


You know, I never really concerned myself with this nonsense in the past. If the earth is a gift to everyone else's grandchildren, what do I care if the wrapping paper is mangled and the bow fell off. Not my gift. I'm going to ride that pony 'til it drops. It also doesn't help that ecologically minded super heroes are THE WORST. Even if I gave a hoot and a half about mother nature, hearing the self-righteous, pretentious garbage that they pollute my ears with makes me want to deforest a small to medium sized equatorial region. There's this one guy, the blue one with the green flat-top-mullet-thing, that has a group of young, naïve kids from around the world fight 9/10ths of his battles for him, and then at the last minute, he swoops in to finish the job and take credit. It's kind of genius, actually. Anyway, back in 2010, as he forcefully stopped me from dumping all of our nuclear waste in the Mediterranean, I let him know what a bloody hypocrite he was, since all of his flashy spandex was created by the DuPont Corporation, who was #4 of 20 in the top waterway polluters in America! He was in kind of a downward spiral since the cancelled his TV show, and I think that may have been the proverbial straw (either the last one, or the one that broke the camel's back... does it matter?). Haven't seen him since.


Sorry. I got a bit sidetracked. Long story short, environment, don't care. Saving money however, well, everyone likes that. We have made our facilities a bit more green, being as we do have all of that geothermal energy, living in a subvolcanic lair and all. You can rest easy knowing this, and maybe not throw paint on me next time I decide I want to stroll around in an endangered jungle cat's luxurious fur.

I've Earned it, right?
Miss Doomcannon

Tragically Boring

Dear Mistress Doomcannon, 

May I ask, what made you become an evil villainess? Was there any good in you before you went to the dark side? 

Sincerely, 

A Hero (Name withheld for pretty obvious reasons)

Ugh... you hero types and your fascination with origin stories. Sorry to disappoint you, but no radioactive spiders, alien homeworlds or magic rings in this story. For me, it was all just a matter of taking over the family business. We've been in the malice and mayhem game for generations, and with my brothers going into finance and politics, I inherited the duty of maintaining our family lair and leading our horde of  fiercely loyal (yet tragically stupid) henchmen. I could give you a tour... the henchmen are itching for work company.


Your Banal Nemesis,
Miss Doomcannon

You are Saucy, Dear Reader!

Dear Dark Mistress,
   I was wondering what the sex life of a super villainess is like. Was 50 Shades nearly child's play to you? How do you get down? How do you noise proof the room from cries of agony?
Sincerely,
Curious

Hey Curious

I like the cut of your jib. Right to the point! For those of us who live and work in the dungeon, the old whips and chains business gets pretty tired. Leather... pffff. Masks... please. When our kind needs a little excitement, we break out the neon spandex suits and capes, crank up the heroic one-liners (for justice, citizen!), and have some polite missionary to the sultry sax of Mr. Kenny G. The safe-word is "SWEET LORD OF DARKNESS, MAKE IT STOP!". It's not for everyone.

Love (if you're into that sort of thing),

Miss Doomcannon -XOXO 

Back in Black!

Good Evening Darlings,

It's been quite a while now, hasn't it? I apologize, truly. It was one of those situations that simply couldn't be helped. In the throes of glorious victory I did what any good villain would do, which is spell out the entire plan in excruciating detail to the tune of a whirring circular saw or two. I was in the heat of the moment. You never really expect them to escape, do you? Well, at times, they do. If my ego weren't in the way, it most likely would have been avoided too. One of life's little lessons, hmm.

After five years of deep, and perhaps involuntary, cryogenic relaxation, I am back to help you spineless kittens with your pitiful little problems. I apologize for losing so many of your prior queries, but as I mentioned, it simply couldn't be helped.

Organ Failure

Dear Mistress Doomcannon,

     Do you own a large pipe organ for purposes of dramatic welcomes when would-be heroes invade your inner sanctum?  If so, are there any pieces of organ music you prefer?

     Curiously yours, 

        Concerned Music Major
 

My Dear Music Major,

I really hope that this is a joke. Will your next email ask me what brand of rope I use to tie innocent young damsels to the train tracks? Pipe organs are so passé. I've installed a PA system, which I use to broadcast smooth jazz all across my compound. I know what you're thinking you smug 'Music Major': "Smooth jazz? How is that intimidating?" Well, let me ask you this, have you ever been to a dentist? Drills, needles and extraction tools entering your mouth all to the sensual sounds of Mr. Kenny G's tender saxophone melodies? The juxtaposition is quite unnerving. The henchman also find it on the relaxing side. Could you imagine how stressed out those numskulls would be if all they heard was somebody mashing around on the bloody organ all day? Which brings me to my last point, which is not wanting to waste my hard earned (it doesn't matter the means, it was 'earned' in one way or another) money housing, feeding and paying an organist. Musicians tend to be really irritating.

Good luck with whatever you "Music Majors" do,

   
G. Doomcannon